My Blog

5/6 not bad. click the pic below to zoom…

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?!
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one..
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________________________

AND THE WINNER GOES TO…….

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love messages  tulad ng:

ITALY - I truly adore and love you
SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are

Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan ,
sinikap niyang gumawa ng  "love  letter" na gamit and alphabet:

ABC - Always be careful
DEF - Don’t Ever forget
GHI - Go Home Immediately
JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me
NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should Treat U Very Well

Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap.
Tatlong titik na lang ang natitira…XYZ.

Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap.
Makalipas ang oras, napangiti siya at pinalakpakan
ang kanyang sarili bago sinulat ang:

XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!

=====================================

PDI Reporter : How’s your Y2K conversion going on?

Erap : It’scrazy, I can’t imagine
I’m going to work from MONDAK
to FRIDAK and spend SATURDAK
& SUNDAK with the kids.
Why do they have to convert Y to K anyway?

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower. The doorbell rings.  The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and

runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door

neighbour.  Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to
drop

that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and

stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets

to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the
next

door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say

anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit

and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to

prevent avoidable exposure.

=================================

A priest offered a lift to a nun.  She got in and crossed her legs,

forcing her habit apart to reveal a shapely leg.  The priest nearly
had an

accident.  After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand onto
her

thigh.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her thigh again.  The
nun

once again said, "Father, please remember Psalm 129!" The priest

apologised.

"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun

went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and  seek further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might

miss a great opportunity.

=================================

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to

lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie
comes

out.

The Genie says, "I normally grant three wishes, but as there are three
of

you, I’ll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.  "I want to be in the
Bahamas,

driving a speedboat, without a care  in the world."   Poof! She’s
gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.  "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing

on the beach with my personal  masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas

and the love of my life by my side." Poof! He’s gone.

"OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, "I
want

those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

=================================

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.  A rabbit asked
him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"  The crow

answered:

"Sure, why not?"  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and

rested.  A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing all day, you must
be

sitting very high up.

=================================

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to  get to
the

top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but I haven’t got the energy."

"Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They’re packed with nutrients.." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung 
and

found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of
the

tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second

branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of

the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the

tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t
keep

you there.

If you are feeling dumb today, READ THIS…

““““““““““““

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss U.S.A. contest

“““““““““““““““““

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I
can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not
with
all those flies and death and stuff."
– Mariah Carey, singer

““““““““““““““““““““`

"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of
your
life."
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for the
Federal Anti-smoking Campaign

““““““““““““““““““““““““`

"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky Basketball Forward

““““““““““““““““““““““`

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in
the country."
– Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

““““““““““““““`

"I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the
President."
– Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

““““““““““““““““““““““““““

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and
I’m just the one to do it."
– A U.S. congressional candidate in Texas.

““““““““““““““

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
– Danny Ozark, manager of Philadelphia Phillies

“““““““““““““““““

"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
in
our air and water that are doing it."
– Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore

“““““““““`

"We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
– Former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca

“““““`

"The word "genius" isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
– Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst

““““““““““““““““““““““

"We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

““““““““““““““““`
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
– Former U.S. President Bill Clinton

“““““““““

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
– Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore

“““““

"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas."
– Keppel Enderbery

“““““““`

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we
received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
there is
a change in your circumstances."
– State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

““““““““““““““““““““““

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record."
– Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman

““““““““““““

…Feeling smarter yet? I THOUGHT SO!

and they said the germans were defeated in ww2. think again!!!

The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan
that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with
joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This
should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one
less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
"f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent
"e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go
away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil
hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united
urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

last week was a great week, meeting new faces but this week….. it’s just not right, i feel kinda wasted. but i’m going out with somebody tonight hahahahah….. we’ll see what happens. hopefully i won’t get bored anymore.

ahhh.. wala nkoy masulti…. hihihihih
ah… i know, make me a testi or message me… maybe we can chat….

pics that are good for our eyez.. enjoy!!

gimme your comments…..

above is the winner of the most gorgeous guy in the world.. an indian..
now here’s the pinoy version of the most gogeous guy in the world…(below)
isn’t he gorgeous?

contestan number 1

contestan number 2